Let me start with a warning about narcotics...they make you an idiot! I would also like to share a special thought about my best friend the tapdancer..."you can't keep a secret for shit"!! That being said, here comes a VERY Vicodin induced story.
I am definately in a different time zone than my friends. I get out of work between 1 to 3am so I don't usually hit the bed until about 4am. Late night is my tv time and I am looking into a 12 step program to get off home shopping channel.
Anyway, one night a few months ago, pre-narcotics for the tendonitis, I was doing my usual channel surfing. As I was flipping from one station to the next I stumbled upon a shopping channel that was selling adult toys. I was sober at this point and being raised Catholic I was shocked at what I saw and immediately changed the channel and hoped I would not go straight to Hell for the few seconds of what I did see.
Some weeks later, I had been out with the girls drinking some adult beverages and still had a bit of a buzz when I got home and turned on the television and that damn show was on again. That slight little buzz I had was enough to keep my Catholic guilt at bay long enough to watch the show. I was curious to see how these two women who were selling these things could talk about them with such a straight face. They were holding each item up and going over all the features like they were talking about cuisinarts.
Next time I went over to hang out with Corudja and Bea, I told them all about the show and how freaked out I was that they could show that kind of stuff on regular tv..granted it is at 3am. We had a big laugh about the fact that they did have it in a home shopping format and that is probably the only way I could ever be lured by that sort of thing..my middle name is 3 easy payments.
Now we cut to the present. I had to take the weekend off from work because the pain in my wrist had become unbearable without the help of some drugs. So here I am at home, in a serious vicodin haze, flipping through channels when the show of shows comes on again. As I said before, with a slight buzz I was able to watch the show...with the shit that I was on that night I found myself on the phone with a nice woman saying things like "Yes Theresa, tell me about the 8" vibrating dong" and "is that the jackrabbit that was on Sex and the City"? My Catholic guilt was nowhere to be found at this point. It did come back in the morning when I woke up and thought "WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO"?
I have always operated with a strict no sex toy rule because I am convinced as soon as I have one in my house I will die and my mother will find it!!
So TAPDANCER FROM HELL, there is your story and when it does get delivered, if I should die, it will be in the bottom right hand dresser drawer wrapped in my Betty Boop jammies...you know what to do!!!
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7 comments:
That was worth the wait! Thanks for the great laugh to start my day...hopefully you haven't told mom about the blog!
OMFG that was freekin hilarious! I knew that home shopping jones you have would come in handy one day. Seriously, the rabbit is far better than the knitting machines of the past.
ps.. Im sooo telling your mom what you did! (Kidding)(Ms Q just had a heart attack)
LOL,LOL,LOL!!! Oh my god, it was worth the blackmail - that was a priceless story! The part with Theresa always sends me into fits of laughter. Rest assured your mother will never know about your little bunny!
And thank you for telling this story - its destined to be a classic!
I think it's a sign. God would want you to follow it, as you did. See? You're still a damn good Catholic.
Ok so who can I get to empty MY nightstand if I die?
I just love Catholics. They do guilt SO well. Which makes for some great blog post opportunities.
Thanks for that! :)
I need a nightstand person!
I cracked up at "my middle name is 3 easy payments."
I love this post!! I got here via Tap Dancing's page...being a good little Catholic girl I was feeling guilty just clicking on her post entitled 'sex'...reading your post, entirely worthwhile although there is still some residual guilt about clicking on a link which brought me to a discussion about sex toys...which for the record I COULD NOT BELIEVE I SAW WITH MY OWN EYES ON TV! I told a friend that I had fallen asleep and woke up to a discussion of how to use such 'toys'. I figured it was a one time thing and someone would definitely report it to 'those who regulate such inappropriate things on TV' but I was aghast to see it again another night. Please do not tell my husband about this program, he was not as good a Catholic as I and he would probably order something...lord knows he has ordered 'instant enhancers' (if you've never seen this it is not a viagra look-alike, it's a plastic extender..when they say instantly you'll be longer, HA they mean it in the way that you can be instantly taller with heels...yup, strap it on baby..his middle name is infomercial addict).
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